Tired
by sisterarnell
I am tired down to my bones. Tired of trying to explain why I am tired. Tired of fighting all the little things that add up to a mountain and a constant uphill trudge.
This Steubenville rape case is just the last straw. If you haven’t heard the words “rape culture” by now, you must have been ignoring the whole thing, which I probably should have done, but I just couldn’t.
I’m going to soapbox here for a minute.
Rape culture is a society giving women a list of do’s and don’t’s that boil down to “make sure he rapes the other girl.”
Rape culture is a society where women are scared to go out by themselves at night.
Can we think about that for a minute? We’ve created a society where women are scared to be by themselves. Isn’t that horrifying? The ability to be alone, to be yourself, to choose to do whatever you want is limited because of fear.
I’m scared to go camping by myself. Not because of the wild animals, but because of the wild humans who are more terrifying than any bear or cougar. They will just maul you to death and then eat your corpse. It will hurt for a bit, but it will be over quickly, especially if the cougar manages to get the right bite on the back of your skull to sever the spinal column.
No, it’s the humans that do the real damage. It’s the humans that leave scars that last a lifetime. It’s the humans who play with your body and kill your soul. It’s the humans who think they have a right to your body because you chose to walk by yourself home from the library after studying for three hours for that physiology final you have tomorrow. Or because you wore your hair in a ponytail so obviously you want someone to grab you by it and throw you to the ground. Or because you walked by a construction site. Or a dorm. Or down the street in your neighborhood.
It’s the humans who say, “hey, she was drunk.” Who blame a girl, not even a woman, for “bad judgment” because getting intoxicated obviously causes boys to forcibly penetrate you repeatedly, take pictures of it, send them to their friends, laughing about what you did. It’s the humans who excuse this behavior because boys will be boys, and skill at sports washes away any “mistakes.” And then sentences you to less time in prison than you would get for pirating a DVD or possessing cocaine. What does that tell the victim? You are less important to society than a bootleg of Gigli.
Rape is not a mistake. You don’t just fall over and end up with your penis in someone’s vagina or anus. You don’t accidentally rape someone. Rape takes intent. It’s an act of power over someone who you consider less than, non-human, the other. It’s not about sex and boys are horny and it just happens. It’s about perpetrators not thinking their victim is a person.
Stop teaching “boys are boys.” I have a son. He’s a total boy. But he’s not an asshole. Boys don’t have to be assholes. You have to teach them to be assholes. And really, when advertisements feature women selling everything, it creates a culture where the women are just objects that are for sale. The female body is something to be consumed, that is designed to be looked at, that exists to be looked at.
I’m tired of it. I’m tired of a culture that thinks it is okay for you to come talk to me on the subway, and when I am not interested, I’m automatically a bitch or a lesbian. You know what? You don’t have a right to my time or attention any more than you have a right to my body. I do not exist for your ends. I am an end in and of myself and you do not own me. So if I choose to spend time with you, consider yourself lucky, and if I don’t want to spend time with you, that’s not my problem, because I do not have responsibilities to you other than to respect you as a person. And I’ll do that.
And if you bitch to your friends about how the girls never like the nice guy, because they are really selfish shallow status-obsessed bitches who always friendzone you, then you’re not really a nice guy, you’re a misogynist in nice guy clothing.* And if you think for one instant that anything a woman does entitles you to have sex with her other than her explicit consent, you are wrong. Because if you do, then I am going to walk up to you and hit you with a baseball bat. Because you didn’t say no, so that means you are consenting to it.
Unconscious means no.
Wearing a mini skirt means no.
Walking by herself means no.
Hair in a ponytail. NO.
Hair not in a ponytail. NO.
She’s had sex with you before. NO.
She’s had sex with your friends. NO.
She’s never had sex. NO.
She flirted with you. NO.
She drank alcohol. NO.
She did drugs. NO.
I mean, really. You learned no when you were a two year old. How difficult is it to get this through your mind, society? The default of “can I have sex with this woman or man” is no. NO NO NO. Just stop it.
And yes, I know people will say, that focusing on changing the behavior of the rapist is unrealistic. You know what? I don’t care. According to RAINN, almost 2/3rds and 38% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. You know what that means? You aren’t safe with your friends. We’ve created a culture that means most people are not safe ever. And nothing about the way I dress is going to change that. So stop telling me that I should spend my life expecting to be raped, because that is wrong. You create that culture by saying it. And then excusing it by blaming the victim. And then creating a culture that is so misogynistic about the treatment of victims that only 3% of rapists actually spend any time in prison.
Women are people. Men are people. Stop raping people.
And, because I’m going to assume that the people reading this are the ones who wouldn’t rape someone, though statistically, who knows, I have some advice for you too.
Stop rape culture. Stop laughing at jokes that objectify and sexualize women. Stop consuming media that sexualizes women. Stop making excuses for men being assholes. Name and shame, people. Name the behavior when you see it. Point out how this perpetuates a culture that promotes a society that makes people into victims, and victims into the cause instead of the effect. I’ve read enough social construction IR theory to know that this works if people are committed to making a change. So put it into action.
Stop rape. Stop rape culture.
Amen!
Fantastic!!
Brilliant.
One thing that I have not done in my fight for women’s equality is to name and shame. Until now. I start today.
Rape culture is a major branch of the violence culture we have in the US. You are so right that this is learned behavior. Changing this will start with changing the way we raise our children.
Thank you so much for this! So perfectly written!
So well said. Thank you.
“So if I choose to spend time with you, consider yourself lucky, and if I don’t want to spend time with you, that’s not my problem, because I do not have responsibilities to you other than to respect you as a person. And I’ll do that.”
And this is the beginning of where I disagree with you. I owe you nothing. Up to, and including, the respect of yourself as a person. I don’t. I care nothing more for you than any other woman, or any other man for that matter. You are all equally and completely worthless to me. I don’t owe you anything, most of all respect. And from that, stems the following.
“So stop telling me that I should spend my life expecting to be raped, because that is wrong. You create that culture by saying it. And then excusing it by blaming the victim.”
No. What investment do I have in your well-being? What earthly use is it to me if you’re left violated, bloodied, and dying in the street? It is the same as if you had suddenly won the lottery, or single-handedly banished rape forever. No use to me at all.
“Stop rape culture. Stop laughing at jokes that objectify and sexualize women. Stop consuming media that sexualizes women. Stop making excuses for men being assholes”
No. I am a product of a cold, merciless world, and I reflect that fact back upon it. I’ll do what I please. No one has ever shown any concern whatsoever for my well-being, don’t ever expect me to suddenly spring forth with concern for yours. I don’t wish for you to be raped anymore than I wish for your happiness; they are both completely and utterly irrelevant to me.
So stop trying to make me give a shit about you. If anything, you drive me to perpetuate the culture you so virulently fight against.
I think you might be interpreting respect differently than I mean it. By respect, I mean that you do not act to violate my physical or emotional integrity. You don’t act to harm me, I don’t act to harm you.
I personally hold commitments that make me want to act in a way that furthers human happiness, but that’s an entirely different conversation. Right now I’m just trying to eliminate a culture that says that it is okay to actively harm another person.
And I’m honestly sorry that no one has ever cared for your well-being. That is not something anyone deserves.
Then why bother replying? I hope you find the help you need.
This comment is staggering. If it’s even somewhat close to true that no one ever had any concern whatsoever for this person’s well being, then how on earth did this person survive being a newborn, infant, toddler, etc.? Does this person use the structures of our (I’m assuming residency in US) not perfect but deeply complex and interrelated systems of transportation, education, political freedoms, health care (I know that might make some sigh, laugh, roll their eyes etc..), police protections (not perfect I agree), city, state and local government supports? While the world can be “cold and merciless” it can also be the opposite and often is. We are of course to some extent the makers of that world and how we choose to act in it to some extent is the world we then occupy and live in. What I feel when I read the words written by Greg S. is such sadness and empathy. He sounds so filled with hate. What a hellish existence he must be enduring. My heart breaks for him. He is the very thing he calls the world: Cold & merciless. But I hope he finds mercy and the warmth he so desperately appears to need. I am not writing here to debate with him or anyone else. The world doesn’t need another debate, it needs us to see what is so deeply obvious about our lives. We are ALL interconnected. Like it or not, acknowledge it or not, we certainly are vested in each others’ well being in infinite ways. Can we change everything for the better? No. Should we try? Yes. One fundamental way we can change is to stop violating each other. That’s a very very tall order in a world that is admittedly filled with acts of violence (and also acts of mercy)…but shouldn’t we at least try….
Where to begin? Let’s begin with rape. Surely we can agree on that.
I have a son too. He’s not an asshole either. I assume that he would NEVER, in a trillion years do something like this. But I still lie awake at night and worry.
This is more complicated than just saying NO. Rape culture includes de-sensitization which results from over-exposure to things like media and social networking. Role models (like coaches), politicians, pundits, faith leaders, etc mis-represent rape, minimize it, justify it, and shift the blame to individual women/girls. Speaking of women/girls, many participate in supporting “rape culture.” Actually, I’m not fond of this current popular term, “rape culture.” Let’s call it what it is: Partriarchy. It’s nothing new.
And prison? That is one of the most significant pillars of rape culture. Nothing creates a de-sensitized rapist faster than our racist, sexist, brutal prison system. Prisoners are routinely humiliated in hugely misogynist ways, which does nothing to raise their regard for women. The criminal justice system is also one of the WORST perpetrators against women themselves, a place where few women find justice. Nothing has ever shown that long prison sentences do anything to reform rapists or help communities.
We need transformative justice.
http://www.creative-interventions.org/about/
So perfectly said.
I always taught my boys (now men) that only an EXPLICIT “yes” means anything and then only as long as there is not a no (even implicit).
Fantastic soap box! I agree 100%!
P.S. I love the baseball bat statement. 😉
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We desperately need to transition from a rape culture to a consent culture. From “only NO (when said under certain tightly controlled situations, if you can prove you really, really meant it) means NO” to “only YES (freely given without coersion or threat) means YES”.
It is like you said — the default value should be NO. I just wish it was as easy as opening up the source code of the world and doing a bit-toggle.
If only the human brain was as easy to recode as a website.
Is the argument you were looking for found here? http://www.wheatandtares.org/2013/03/20/i-want-you-not-your-uterus/
If not it’s very similar.
Bravo, by the way. Well said.
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